Words of Power

Last month's "Dynamics of Power deep dive" discussion group hosted by Precipice turned to language: the words we use in power exchange, and what they do to us.

As always, the rules of privacy that governed the discussion mean I can't relay what others said, so these are my own reflections on the topic, and how it lands in my life. Some background for newer readers: I have multiple D/s relationships, one of which is a 24x7 TPE, so this is not academic for me; these questions impact my life directly.

The first part of the discussion was about the role of language, and thus words, in human evolution. It's such a central part of how we communicate, whether, spoken, written or signed. How we use them and what they mean to us changes over time as culture and society changes. We use them to relate to each other, to express emotions, and also to argue and insult. From early education we are also trained to evaluate, assess, critique and judge words.

Hearing or reading words also carry a physiological response. One part of your brain parses what it hears or sees, another part interprets. This is important, because it means that negative words, spoken as a joke, or part of a scene, are received as negative, and only then do they get interpreted as funny, sexy or not meant negatively. Research has shown an outsized asymmetry to negative vs positive interactions, Gottman found that stable couples had a 5+:1 ratio of positive to negative during arguments. During arguments!

In addition, when we interpret words, our history, the reinforced neural pathways based on all the things that happened to us, that we learned and experienced, all influence the meaning we give the words. Think of it like light traveling through an atmosphere, and everyone is their own planet with their own atmosphere that distorts the light that travels through it differently.

We also touched on why speaking can feel so exposed. Public speaking is a common fear, and part of the reason is that we feel vulnerable when we speak, because we can't control how our words will be interpreted. In a power exchange, where words carry so much weight, that vulnerability is part of the terrain.

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Attributed to Robert McCloskey.

It therefore comes as no surprise that it is very easy to break someone down with words, so much more difficult to build them up. Or more directly for play and dynamics, words are the tool we most easily use for instruction. Sure, you can use physical force to subdue someone, make them kneel, or perform very simple tasks, but if you want any more than that, you will have to communicate. That makes the words we pick matter, it determines whether the outcome we seek is realised.

I would therefore like to make a specific callout for those that like degradation or humiliation play. Please, for the health of your play partner, make sure to keep the 5:1 ratio AND their atmosphere in mind.

Now, how can we use all of that to our benefit in dynamics or play?

Peter Masters, in his book The Control Book, makes the point that carefully chosen words, along with the right tone and inflection alone can project power and control which enforces compliance even though real power may not be present.

How does that help us? We can choose our words carefully. We can use them to enforce and create liminal spaces, or affirm power exchange. For example, say a dynamic changes its protocol so the honorific is only used once a scene begins. The honorific then becomes a trigger for a ritual headspace.

Titles and honorifics were the other big thread. They can be used to start a dynamic, or they can indicate depth, where earned submission brings a title or honorific with it. Either way, they formalise interactions.

Formalising cuts both ways, which is the bit I found most interesting. A title can depersonalise. Calling someone "General" implies you are dealing with the office, not the person. There's distance in it. On the other side, personal names, or honorifics unique to that person or that dynamic, imply intimacy.

Naming someone can hold them at arm's length or draw them in close.

So which one is your current naming doing, and is that on purpose? ... a reminder for newbies, because honorifics and titles can be so personal, and be indicative of a dynamic or relationship, it's not appropriate to use them with people you've just met not knowing the significance they have to them. It can be seen as very disrespectful.

Restricting or implementing language rules can also be impactful in a scene or dynamic. Limiting the words someone can use can force mindfulness even during normal conversation. Alternatively, a protocol involving specific word use can reinforce a power exchange, or be an affirmation countering a heavy scene. In fact, words can project power where you have none. Peter Masters makes this point in The Control Book

From there the conversation moved to tools that work through words directly: anchor words, mantras, hypnosis, Pavlovian conditioning, word triggers. I could turn just the previous sentence into a blog by itself, think hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming, and yes, good old Pavlov and his dogs. The latter is not just for puppy play, the aforementioned protocol to create a liminal space and transition into a headspace or scene can easily create a Pavlovian response where a simple word can engender feelings or physical responses in your partner. I'm sure those are sufficient breadcrumbs for you to explore word use in your dynamics, or if enough people bug me I will expand in another post.

To wrap up, I'm grateful, once again, to have a room where these things get picked apart with care, and a diversity of opinions and perspectives to breathe new life into it. If you don't have access to the sessions that @Precipice hosts, I highly recommend making space to spend time communing and debating in your community. You, and it, will be better for it.

Some questions to ponder over as I leave you:

Is your dynamic in the healthy (~5:1) ratio?

Which words in your dynamic are doing work you have never named?

Do your titles put distance between you and your partner, or close it, and is that what you want?

When did you last choose a word on purpose?